Bad Horror Movie Morning

I am absolutely one of those chicks that will investigate strange noises, and I will do so armed and ready to defend myself. I also happen to be one of those chicks that gets distracted very easily and tends to leave mid-activity to conduct a new activity. All of these characteristics of mine led me to be standing in the garage in just my pj bottoms and bra holding a machete in one hand and a cucumber in another. Imagine the look on a burglars face (if there had been one) if he had been found by some half-naked chick holding a weapon and a vegetable.
Let me back up a little so you know exactly how I got into that situation. I've been debating all morning (I say all morning but I've only been awake an hour or two) if I should shower or not. I don't particularly feel like it but my coworkers would probably appreciate it. Being undecided on the matter, I've remained in my pajamas. I then decided I wanted to dance around the kitchen (it's a popular pastime of mine) so a bra was probably in order. I left the dance scene to change my clothes but, still undecided on the shower, I only removed my top and replaced it with a wickedly cute bra. It's a dance club bra. Not really but I want you to think I own such garments as dance club bras. I then traipse back to the kitchen to dance when I suddenly decided I should eat a cucumber sandwich for lunch before my basil goes bad. While rummaging through the refrigerator for my cucumber, I hear a loud and obvious noise coming from the garage/south side of the house. So I do what any normal woman would do and I grab the machete off the kitchen counter (hand to God, I had a machete laying on my kitchen counter. Much yard work was done yesterday, including but not limited to removal of man-high weeds and trees that decided to exist in the most inconvenient of locations) and merrily skip my way down the stairs, fling open the door to my garage, and try my best to look intimidating while standing there in a dance club bra, pink striped pajama bottoms, a dirty machete in one hand and a threatening cucumber in the other.
There was nothing in my garage except the junk I put in there so I then decided to do something to prove I completely lack good judgement. I went outside to investigate. Yep, still wearing my dance club bra and holding a cucumber. Gee, I'm not sure why all my neighbors think I'm crazy.
By the way, no perpetrator was found (thankfully) and it was probably my elm tree playing tricks on me. If this had been a bad horror movie, as it appears to be, I would have been gutted upon returning inside. I'm gonna go take a shower now. And I'm gonna take my cucumber..just in case.

Now Accepting Applications for a new Best Friend

Here are the qualifications and job description-

Qualifications-
1. Must be willing to do arts and crafts with me.
2. Must not be competitive.
3. Must not be a gossip monger.
4. Must be willing to share clothes with me.
5. Must love my cooking.
6. Must not be a drama queen.
7. Must be easy to shop for.
8. Must back me up..every time.
9. Must not divulge my secrets.
10. Must have a positive attitude.
11. Must have an I.Q. higher than a brick.
12. Must be able to produce on-the-spot cover-ups and alibis.

My Dream Man

Let me know if you see a guy like this-

1. Must be vegan so we don't argue about what to eat. Self-sufficient in preparing your own meals is also acceptable.
2. Must have bigger ankles than me.
3. Must be good with money or good at telling me no.
4. Must never tell me no.
5. Must be able to reach the top shelf so I can get rid of my step stool.
6. Must be smarter than me.
7. Must never know he's smarter than me.
8. Must have a good sense of humor.
9. Must not be funnier than me.
10. Must never reveal my countless flaws to others.
11. Must be a horrible drawer. I wanna be the artistic one.
12. Must be a good kisser and not one of those guys who tries to eat my face.
13. Must not whine. Ever.
14. Must not complain about the way I decorate my house. My female chromosome trumps your male chromosome in this department. End of discussion.
15. Must have manners.
16. Must be able to fix things I break.
17. Must not be a slob.
18. Must not annoy me.
19. Hygiene must rate higher than the average caveman.
20. Must be able to speak English, German, or play charades really well.
21. Must be a rock star in the bedroom or willing to learn.
22. Must be respectful.
23. Must be respectable.
24. Must be willing to listen.
25. Must know how to operate a broom and a dishwasher.
26. Must have a job.
27. Must not procrastinate.
28. Must be accepting of my quirks.
29. Must not ask about the bodies in my basement.
30. Must not be prettier than me.

How to be a Bad Guy

It has come to my attention that certain people lack skills required to successfully complete deviant behavior. I'm here to help. Here are a few things I've learned...umm..from watching movies.-

1. SHUT UP- if you commit a crime (legal or moral) DON'T tell everyone! The fact this even has to be on the list embarrasses me! Smarten up, criminals! If you tell Suzy, she's gonna tell Jeffrey, who's gonna tell Sally, who's gonna tell her swim team, who will each tell 14 people. Keep your mouth shut.

2. Don't blog about it- you don't see me blogging about the four banks I robbed last month, do you?! NO! Keeping your mouth shut also includes typing or writing. And don't draw pics of the details of the crime either.  Journals are strictly forbidden.

3. Keep no survivors- this includes souvenirs and trophies. You do not need to keep that ear. Destroy everything.

4. Evidence- rubber gloves and a hair net will save you HOURS of jury deliberation.

5. If you can't drown it, torch it.

6. Do not keep the documents or photos that will incriminate you. See #5.

7. If you get arrested, don't talk. The more you say, the worse it gets. Pretend you left your tongue in your other pants. Unless that was your crime in the first place.

8. If you can't follow the rules above, just don't do anything wrong..ever.

Local Celebrity

You know how I like to pretend I'm a famous movie star when I go jogging? Well, it's days like today that convince me I AM famous and just don't know it yet. My car asked me today if I'd get his oil changed so I took him to my local oil dudes. I say local but it's actually the next town over. It's one of those places you just pull up and don't even get out of your car and it's the same place I go every time so it normally wouldn't surprise me that the guy knew my name when I pulled up...except he was the new guy and I've never met/seen/spoken to him before. Not only did he know my name, but when I rolled down my window he said, "You're late!". As in I was a month late for my oil change, NOT my appointment, as I hadn't set one! How did he know that?!
New guy was nice and explained everything in ridiculous detail but he seemed nervous and was bumbling around, knocking into everything, every time he came near my window. Which makes me wonder..what the frik did the other oil dudes say to him about me?! He tripped over the air hose while my usual oil dude filled my tires. He handed me a clipboard with my work order and asked for my signature, then fell into my window while I was signing which made me mess up. He said, "OOHH SHOOOT!" and I replied, "no, it's ok, you didn't mess me up..I always sign 'P' and then a 12-inch slash". My usual oil dudes were giggling every time he did something like that, which made him try harder, which led to him messing up even more. As I drove off, I could hear a roar of laughter coming from the garage. So...what the frik was all THAT about?!

I then go another auto place to have another thing looked at because the first place only does oil. So auto place #2 I've only been to ONE OTHER TIME and it was SIX MONTHS AGO! I was there maybe an hour or two, sat in the waiting room the whole time, talked to TWO people that worked there, and then left. I assumed I would have to re-explain my problem when I got inside, wouldn't you? So I walk up to the counter and it's a different desk chick than last time so she says, "Can I help you?".
I said, "Hi! I was here several months ago because my car was blah blah blah and it's doing it again. I think Mike looked at it when I was here last..." and as I'm explaining this to her, a fix-it dude I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE interrupts and says, "Benji looked at it last time".
I said, "What?".
He says, "Little red car, right?".
"Umm..ya..?"
"Ya, I remember you. Benji looked at it."
How the FRIK does this guy remember me from six months ago, remember what car I drove, what issue it had, and WHO looked at it?!?!

This has led me to draw several different conclusions. Let me know which one you think it is-
1. I'm famous and don't know it
2. I have some kind of infamous and yet secret reputation with mechanics in my area
3. I should start wearing a top when I leave the house
4. All of my local mechanics are actually undercover secret agents and I'm under surveillance
5. I'm on Candid Camera
6. People talk about me a LOT behind my back
7. I'm difficult to deal with so easy to remember
8. I was recently featured on America's Most Wanted and never got the memo
9. I'm the only person within a 100-mile radius that drives a small red car
10. All mechanics have mind-reading abilities

Random Facts about Me

I have a couple hours to kill and since I'll do anything to avoid doing laundry, I figured I'd blog some worthless information. Here are some random useless facts about me-

1. I am not a true ninja, as I have never formally been trained by a ninjitsu master and I am only self taught by looking at the pictures on the backs of karate movie cases.
2. I did not pass my last color blindness test.
3. I once went blind for three days because of a migraine.
4. I've been arrested...recently.
5. I like stabby cutty weapons and throw knives and shoot my blowgun in my spare time, which has nothing to do with my arrest record.
6. My most prized possession is my grandmother's wedding band, which I wear on my middle finger on my right hand almost always (just not to bed).
7. I like my coffee hot enough to melt my face off.
8. My family is full of musicians. I, myself, have played flute and bass guitar.
9. I've never broken a bone or even had chicken pox.
10. I grocery shop with my headphones on to avoid having to talk to people.
11. I often pretend I can't speak English in another attempt to avoid talking to people.
12. I repel fire.
13. I could probably eat hummus every day.
14. I exaggerate like, a million times more than anyone else on the planet.
15. I use, perfect: punctuation?
16. I could absolutely without a doubt be an assassin for a living.
17. The only creature that gives me the heebie jeebies is a centipede and I once beat my fake eyelashes to death thinking there was a centipede on my bathroom counter.
18. I scared myself with my own hand once.
19. I can run in high heels.
20. I sneeze like an old man but I sound like a mouse when I hiccup.

Pif's Army

I went running yesterday and on my last lap around the block, saw a kitty sitting in the road. Actually, he was laying down like he was gonna take a nap. In the distance I could see headlights and was afraid kitty wouldn't move in time so I did what anybody would do; I started singing kitty opera to coax him over. In case you're strictly a dog person and are uneducated in the art of kitty opera, it goes like this, "kitty! kitty! KIIIttyyyYYY! kitty kitty kitty! KIIITTTYYYY! kkkIIIITTTTTTYYYYYYYY!!!"
After my performance, kitty came over to tell me good job making a fool of myself when the car went zooming past. Kitty, in total appreciation for luring him off the warm road of death with my feline crooning, allowed me to pet him approximately 1 and a half times. It was then agreed upon by the two of us that, at which time I deem fit, kitty would join my new worm friends to create an army of unstoppable minions with which I will use to conquer the world! Muhahahahaha!!!! *lightning flashes followed by loud crash of thunder* MUHAHAHAHAA!!!

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Like My Neighbor

1. he won't wave at me

2. he never introduced himself when I moved in nor did he bake me a cake

3. he doesn't approve of my squiggly mow line

4. he kills snakes just for entering his yard

5. he doesn't think it's funny when I put snakes he's killed just for entering his yard in his mailbox

6. he knocks bird nests out of his trees every Spring (who does that?! and why?!?)

7. he cut down a tree because it leaned 10 degrees to the west

8. he sounds like a whining woman

9. his yard work shorts are too small

10. he's a fireman/paramedic but was the FIRST one to flip out when my dog ate his kid

Awesome Title

Here's what we'll be discussing during this blog-

1. my ability to make lists that require no further discussion

2. my love of procrastination

3. 

4.

5.

Today's run

It had been raining all day so when it appeared to be letting up, I dashed outside to make my way around my neighborhood in my usual 1.5 mile route. Did I take a second to look up the temperature first? No, of course not. So as I stepped outside and got a whiff of wet horse manure (thank you, country living), I was taken aback slightly by the chill that pierced my running jacket. I'm calling it a running jacket like it's a special jacket I bought from Nike with the soul purpose of keeping me warm while I'm training for an upcoming marathon, when in reality it's a dark grey hoodie I got in the little boys section at Target on clearance because, frankly, I can't afford anything with the swoosh on it. So I'm only wearing my running pants, a tight-fitting tshirt with Lazy Smurf on it, and my hoodie. Fine, I'll admit it...I dress like a little kid.
It hadn't stopped raining as much as I thought it had but I was already dressed to run so run I did. Ok, I'm lying. I started off walking, like I always do. I walk past my super religious neighbor's house..the same neighbor who was concealed behind a car's open hood and glared at me as politely as possible when he came into view because I was singing the unedited version of "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green along with my iPod.
I round the corner and pass the house of the neighbor I've never seen after six years of living here but know he exists because his lawn is always perfectly manicured. His old black lab with the aged white face was outside hobbling around and wagging his tail at me as I passed. I wanted to stop and pet him but his owner was nowhere to be seen and I try to refrain from petting dogs I don't know unless their owner is there to swap insurance cards in case they turn Cujo on me.
I walked up the hill and crossed the main road through town, you know, the road that sees about six cars a day. This is where my run starts. I'm on the only sidewalk in town and I can see a straight shot about 1/2 mile down the road. The entire sidewalk is underwater but I still wanted to run. I had to do some jumping maneuvers that reminded me of playing "only jump on the black tiles on the checkered floor" as a kid to avoid a few huge puddles, and run in the soggy grass then back onto the sidewalk when the grass turned into what looked like a rice paddy. The whole time I'm running, I'm splashing water everywhere and I'm laughing like an idiot at how wet I'm getting and imagining what the passersby are thinking while they drive by in their warm dry cars.
By the time I get to the end of my first half mile, my hands are too cold to operate my iPod and my feet and calves are soaked. My pants have stretched from the weight of the water and are now a size too long for me and my hair and face is wet from the rain I was pretending wasn't there. I was mentally congratulating myself on being a hardcore bad ass for running in the rain when I slipped and twisted my ankle. Well, I can't let me think I'm not tough, right? So I ran/limped until the cold finished off whatever feeling was left in my right ankle and I was magically better.
I crossed the main road again and headed down another street toward my house (it's a big loop) and this time, I get to run into the wind, which is awesome cuz my face is wet and I'm freezing. Now, whenever I feel like being a big baby and giving up, I trick myself into finishing by pretending I'm being filmed for a movie. Gimme a min now..I know this sounds ridiculous but it works! Being in drama throughout all of my schooling and performing half a million plays and musicals onstage in front of large audiences has taught me to psych myself out. When I feel like quitting, I tell myself "here's the scene where I have to run down this street and pretend like I've been a runner my whole life and I'm in really good shape and I'm not allowed to cry or breath hard". And I do it!!
So I'm cold, soaked, dressed like a little boy, limping, and pretending I'm a movie star when I get to my next turn, the last half mile of my run. I turn the corner and before I can even pass the first house, I spot something on the road. It's a little earthworm who mistook today's rain as a sign of Spring and came out to enjoy the sun when he got lost and ended up on the cold wet road that's a few degrees away from freezing. Or just "it's a worm" for short. Well, I couldn't just leave him there! So I stopped and tried to pick him up with my frozen hands that felt more like clubs. It took me a little while but eventually I picked him up and cupped him in my hands and huffed warm breath on him. I named him Herbert then set him down in some exposed soil and covered him up with a little worm blankie I crocheted out of dead grass and leaves and went on my merry way. A few steps away, I came across another confused worm! So I did the same thing with Helga (worm #2). Warmed her up and put her to bed under some dead foliage. And then found another worm..and another.. I ended up saving a total of six frosty earthworms including Peter, Reginald, Matilda, and Humphrey.
I didn't get to run as well as I would have liked but I had a lot working against me today. And if I can save six grateful earthworms while on a crappy run, then I can live with that!

About Me

I'm 5'5", my favorite color is dark grey, and if I win the Miss America Pageant, I will use my crown to roast marshmallows over a trash can with the homeless people.
What's that? You wanna see what I look like! Sure!
Here I am scratching my head-

 Here I am bird watching-

 Here I am reading a book-

 This is me sneezing-

 Here I am sleeping-

 This is me about to eat lunch-

 Here I am doing a little gardening-

 And here's a pic of me sewing!