My Dream Man

Let me know if you see a guy like this-

1. Must be vegan so we don't argue about what to eat. Self-sufficient in preparing your own meals is also acceptable.
2. Must have bigger ankles than me.
3. Must be good with money or good at telling me no.
4. Must never tell me no.
5. Must be able to reach the top shelf so I can get rid of my step stool.
6. Must be smarter than me.
7. Must never know he's smarter than me.
8. Must have a good sense of humor.
9. Must not be funnier than me.
10. Must never reveal my countless flaws to others.
11. Must be a horrible drawer. I wanna be the artistic one.
12. Must be a good kisser and not one of those guys who tries to eat my face.
13. Must not whine. Ever.
14. Must not complain about the way I decorate my house. My female chromosome trumps your male chromosome in this department. End of discussion.
15. Must have manners.
16. Must be able to fix things I break.
17. Must not be a slob.
18. Must not annoy me.
19. Hygiene must rate higher than the average caveman.
20. Must be able to speak English, German, or play charades really well.
21. Must be a rock star in the bedroom or willing to learn.
22. Must be respectful.
23. Must be respectable.
24. Must be willing to listen.
25. Must know how to operate a broom and a dishwasher.
26. Must have a job.
27. Must not procrastinate.
28. Must be accepting of my quirks.
29. Must not ask about the bodies in my basement.
30. Must not be prettier than me.