Bad Horror Movie Morning

I am absolutely one of those chicks that will investigate strange noises, and I will do so armed and ready to defend myself. I also happen to be one of those chicks that gets distracted very easily and tends to leave mid-activity to conduct a new activity. All of these characteristics of mine led me to be standing in the garage in just my pj bottoms and bra holding a machete in one hand and a cucumber in another. Imagine the look on a burglars face (if there had been one) if he had been found by some half-naked chick holding a weapon and a vegetable.
Let me back up a little so you know exactly how I got into that situation. I've been debating all morning (I say all morning but I've only been awake an hour or two) if I should shower or not. I don't particularly feel like it but my coworkers would probably appreciate it. Being undecided on the matter, I've remained in my pajamas. I then decided I wanted to dance around the kitchen (it's a popular pastime of mine) so a bra was probably in order. I left the dance scene to change my clothes but, still undecided on the shower, I only removed my top and replaced it with a wickedly cute bra. It's a dance club bra. Not really but I want you to think I own such garments as dance club bras. I then traipse back to the kitchen to dance when I suddenly decided I should eat a cucumber sandwich for lunch before my basil goes bad. While rummaging through the refrigerator for my cucumber, I hear a loud and obvious noise coming from the garage/south side of the house. So I do what any normal woman would do and I grab the machete off the kitchen counter (hand to God, I had a machete laying on my kitchen counter. Much yard work was done yesterday, including but not limited to removal of man-high weeds and trees that decided to exist in the most inconvenient of locations) and merrily skip my way down the stairs, fling open the door to my garage, and try my best to look intimidating while standing there in a dance club bra, pink striped pajama bottoms, a dirty machete in one hand and a threatening cucumber in the other.
There was nothing in my garage except the junk I put in there so I then decided to do something to prove I completely lack good judgement. I went outside to investigate. Yep, still wearing my dance club bra and holding a cucumber. Gee, I'm not sure why all my neighbors think I'm crazy.
By the way, no perpetrator was found (thankfully) and it was probably my elm tree playing tricks on me. If this had been a bad horror movie, as it appears to be, I would have been gutted upon returning inside. I'm gonna go take a shower now. And I'm gonna take my cucumber..just in case.

Now Accepting Applications for a new Best Friend

Here are the qualifications and job description-

Qualifications-
1. Must be willing to do arts and crafts with me.
2. Must not be competitive.
3. Must not be a gossip monger.
4. Must be willing to share clothes with me.
5. Must love my cooking.
6. Must not be a drama queen.
7. Must be easy to shop for.
8. Must back me up..every time.
9. Must not divulge my secrets.
10. Must have a positive attitude.
11. Must have an I.Q. higher than a brick.
12. Must be able to produce on-the-spot cover-ups and alibis.

My Dream Man

Let me know if you see a guy like this-

1. Must be vegan so we don't argue about what to eat. Self-sufficient in preparing your own meals is also acceptable.
2. Must have bigger ankles than me.
3. Must be good with money or good at telling me no.
4. Must never tell me no.
5. Must be able to reach the top shelf so I can get rid of my step stool.
6. Must be smarter than me.
7. Must never know he's smarter than me.
8. Must have a good sense of humor.
9. Must not be funnier than me.
10. Must never reveal my countless flaws to others.
11. Must be a horrible drawer. I wanna be the artistic one.
12. Must be a good kisser and not one of those guys who tries to eat my face.
13. Must not whine. Ever.
14. Must not complain about the way I decorate my house. My female chromosome trumps your male chromosome in this department. End of discussion.
15. Must have manners.
16. Must be able to fix things I break.
17. Must not be a slob.
18. Must not annoy me.
19. Hygiene must rate higher than the average caveman.
20. Must be able to speak English, German, or play charades really well.
21. Must be a rock star in the bedroom or willing to learn.
22. Must be respectful.
23. Must be respectable.
24. Must be willing to listen.
25. Must know how to operate a broom and a dishwasher.
26. Must have a job.
27. Must not procrastinate.
28. Must be accepting of my quirks.
29. Must not ask about the bodies in my basement.
30. Must not be prettier than me.